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Falling for my first love the second time around..

One night, I dreamed of you. You were holding my hand. And we were laughing. We were as if we are in love.

But like every other day, dreamland just doesn’t last forever. I woke up, at first, I was happy and “kinikilig”. However, realization took over. I love you, but it’s a one-sided feeling.

I remembered, back in high school, where everything felt so easy and simple, I fell in love with you. You were, gorgeous and funny. Your smile is a painter’s masterpiece while your laughter is music to my ears. But I did not fell in love with you because of your stunning physical characteristics. I fell in love with you because you made me feel special in a lot of ways. You made me happy with simple gestures. You never failed to make me laugh with those corny jokes of yours. You were there like my best friend when I needed you. We had so many memories together; memories no one can steal from me.

There was a time when you told me, naiinggit ka sa mga kaklase nating mag-bf. We were on a camping back then, and you were pertaining to the couple in front of us while we were walking. They looked so sweet, and they were holding each other’s hand. I was a bit shocked when you said, “Tayo rin.” And held my hand. That was the first time I held a boy’s hand. It was warm and comfortable. It was like, the spaces between my fingers are right were yours fit perfectly. It was a moment I never wanted to end. And maybe, in that moment, umasa ang puso ko. Maybe in that moment, I thought, there was something going on between us, but I don’t know if it means something to you. I don’t know if I mean something to you.

My idea of a perfect love story back then was us, being friends and falling in love in the end. So I tried to give us a chance. As a curious teenager, of course, I wanted to be loved by someone like you. So I wrote you a letter. I know, it was not a proper thing for a girl to be the one to make the first move, but I’m tired of figuring you out. I’m tired of all solving the puzzles you threw at me. I wanted to know. But I received sorry as a reply. Because I’m only a friend for you. Nothing more.

I cried. That was the first time I cried for a boy. And you were the first guy I ever loved. I guess, I over assumed everything. I had put a different meaning for your kindness, for your thoughtfulness, for you being a gentleman. Maybe that’s why a lot of girls fall for you. You made them feel special when you’re just being yourself. That’s what I admire from you. And hate about you, because I kept on falling for that trap. However, I know you never wanted to hurt me or anyone; it’s just that, I’m not the one you’ve been looking for. It took time for me to understand that.

Because of you, I entered a relationship. I did not even think twice. I just thought that I want you to see that I’m okay. That someone’s willing to love me. That I don’t need you. I took a revenge you were never aware of. And the story of my life changed, and as time passed, you stopped playing a role in it.

Years passed. We’ve separated paths. I’ve met tons of new friends, and got my eye on several drop-dead gorgeous guys. Of course, they were just crushes. Just a little inspiration for my studies.

We talked, a little bit, yes, through text. We just asked what’s going on in each other’s lives. We don’t have serious conversations. We sometimes flirt around, but it doesn’t go anywhere. I guess we’ve been too busy in our studies.

But I never planned for this to happen. I never planned for us to see each other again. And I never planned for me to fall for you the second time around.

After the final examinations, my parents finally decided on throwing a party for my 18^th birthday. I was very thankful and excited. And the first question that popped into my head was, “who’s going to be my escort?” Believe me, you were not my first choice. But that guy let me down, so I thought of someone I’m comfortable being with. Someone with good-looks, and is willing to play the part. And then, I thought of you. I mean, we’re in good terms, and that dramatic epic failure I never wanted you to remember ever, happened a very long time ago. So I told myself, what could happen? And I texted you right away.

I did not receive a confirmation message from you at once. And I thought you ignored me. A few days later, you said yes. You said it was your pleasure to be my escort. I was so thrilled. Damn! I’m going to see you again. Damn! You’re going to dance with me. I tried to recall if we ever danced in our promenade, but I couldn’t see an image of us in my memory. I shrugged. It doesn’t really matter to me that much.

There were a lot of preparations, especially for the invitation. My mom also told me that I’m going to have a cotillion for my party. I didn’t know what it was so I got my mom to explain. It was a kind of dance, where we have partners of some sort. So I just agreed and tried to find those who are willing to practice with me. It was kind of hard, because most of my friends were not available. They have summer class.

On our first day of practice, when you arrived, I absent-mindedly smiled at you. You still had that friendly aura. And you look like an anime character because of your long spiky hair. But I did not mind.

We danced, and got our hands all sweaty. We both laugh. “Binabaha na tayo.”

Break time. I had felt you following me as I got myself a glass of water. I know you watch me as I drink. And when I had finished, I was a bit shocked when you asked for my plastic cup and drank from it. I remembered a scene from a Japanese drama. “Indirect kiss.” I whispered. And I laughed at myself. I’m giving too much meaning at things that are quite meaningless for you.

The next day, you also wanted to do the same. Share the same cup with me, but I refused. I got a little sick last night, baka mahawa ka. So I refused, kahit na gusto kong gawin mo uli iyon. Haha.

Days passed, and we got good at our dance. I’m really grateful that you were my partner, for you never got mad at me when I made a mistake. Instead, you encourage me always. We sometimes talk while dancing, which is not a good idea. Lagi kasi tayong nalilito sa mga steps. And we both end up agreeing not to talk while we are in the middle of the dance. Pero, parehas din naman tayong sumusuway dun. We’d talk about what to wear, about the masks, just anything we could think of. I’m glad I could know you better. I’m glad you’re opening the door for me. Hindi man iyon nakaopen ng mabuti, it’s a good start. I could take a peak to what you had become after two years of separation.

 I had great fun with you, and with all of our friends. It’s an experience I’ll never forget. But if you’re not my partner, I don’t know if it will feel as special as it is now.

We’d also talk on Twitter a lot. It’s just so wonderful to think that because of that social networking site, our worlds seem closer than before. It’s like, in that place—if you even consider that a place, only the both of us matter. One practice day, you even mentioned one of my tweets. But I was quite sure you weren’t online by that time. And I was like, “OMG! He’s reading my tweets!”

The most awaited day came. I was so excited. So nervous. What if matapilok ako? But you texted me. You told me everything’s going to be fine. Inhale. Exhale. You gave me strength that I needed.

I went down the stairs. All eyes were on me. And as I went down the stairs, how I wished it was you who’d take my hand. But it was my brother. Talk about panira ng moment.

The first thing I did was look in the evening sky. Hoping for a full moon, because you told me before that there will be one. It wasn’t the super moon people were talking about in the news, but it was my moon. It wasn’t perfect, but it was, my moon.

On the cotillion, there were hundreds of butterflies on my stomach. I’m wearing high heels! But I’m glad that I wasn’t taller than you. I humored myself, “great choice.” Sabi ko pa sayo, ikaw na bahala sa akin. Natatakot kasi ako. You smiled at me and spoke Japanese, and I couldn’t understand most of it. But then again, I know you’ll take care of me. Pinakita mo pa nga sa akin yung tie mo, sabi mo, talagang nag-pink ka para partner tayo. It was kind of sweet.

I can’t remember much of what happened next. We had lots of photos together with our friends. Wacky photos, that is. And I know you guys enjoyed the photo booth.

When that night ended, I just can’t forget about you. How that night became perfect when we danced together, and how I’d miss the way you’d hold my hand so tightly. That night, when everyone was looking at me, my attention was focused on you. That night, how I wished, would never end, so that you’d only look at me too.

But I know that you like someone else, and the sad thing is, she’s one of my closest friends. She’s prettier than me, and she gets the attention of all the people in the room when she wanted to. She’s a perfect companion, I guess. So when I found out she was waiting for you, I felt as if someone shot me in the chest; where my heart is. Now I understand why you always sit beside her. It’s a kind of mutual understanding, isn’t it? The problem is that, why can’t you see that I’m willing to do everything for you? That I can be so much better than her for you? But aren’t I being too pushy? What love has taught me is that; we all have the freedom to choose whom we love. But what’s the point of this freedom? When the person we love, also has the freedom not to love us back.

Oh how I’d wish I could just have you for a gift. Haha. I can’t be selfish with you, I can’t always get what I want. You were the first one who made me realized that.

I wish I could have the same courage back then to tell you I’ve fallen for you again. But I’m scared. I’m scared of hearing sorry for the second time around. I’m scared that I might just get hurt like before. I’m scared that whatever I do the fact that I’m just a friend for you will never change.

I’m scared that I might break this newly found friendship we had. I’m scared I might not see that smile on your face again. I’m so afraid to lose you, when in fact; you were never mine from the start.

I understand that you’re not ready for any commitment yet, I can see it in your eyes. I understand that you’d rather sit all day and watch TV than to mind your heart. I thought, I’d just wait the way you do. Let time pass, let it unravel itself. What will we be in the future? There are a lot of things more important than what my heart feel for you. We have other goals and plans in life, I understand. And I also understand that I’m not a kid anymore, by that time, 10 years from now, we’d have different lives. But I know I’ll still hold on to you. To the memories we once had.

I’ll just be here always, ready to listen to you, ready to know you more. Ready to laugh for your jokes, I’m ready to talk to you when you need someone. I’m here, waiting that someday you’ll also try to know me.

I believe in destiny. I believe that even if we were the ones to decide, it is destiny who gives us choices. And I hope destiny gives us a chance someday. I hope, when nothing much matters anymore, we’ll bump into each other, in a bright sunny day, where everything goes in a slow motion. And we’d smile, no words said, but we’ll understand. We’ll understand that maybe, this is the day we give each other a chance. Maybe by that time, you are ready for more serious things. Maybe by that time, we’ve reached our dreams. Maybe by that time, we are both willing to take a chance.

I don’t know if that day will ever come. A lot of things can happen in such a long period of time.

But I know one thing; right now, I love you. I don’t know how long this feeling will last, so I’ll let destiny to decide for me. For us. J